4 years ago today, the meaning of July 4th changed for me. It still, of course, is a reason to celebrate this great country of ours. But, now it is also a sad day for me because 4 years ago today, my Nanny died.
I have 2 grandmothers in heaven. One is my Memaw. Memaw was the typical great, doting grandmother. The one that made homemade biscuits, held me and hugged on me, and let me sleep over in her bed while we cuddled and watched the Lawrence Welk Show, I Love Lucy, or Andy Griffith. I loved, and still love, Memaw for just always lavishing her love on me.
Then, there is Nanny. Nanny was independent, strong-willed, blunt and honest. Still very, very sweet and always loved me---but just in a different way. And, honestly, I saw (and still see) so much of myself in Nanny. Do you have a member of your family that you look at and say...."Oh, I get it. THAT is why I am the way that I am!!" That is the way I felt when I was around Nanny. I loved so much being around her because we just "got" each other. Even physically, I saw myself in her. I admired so much that she was so strong and independent. And, she took crap off nobody. And, man, was she funny. She loved to laugh. She'd make fun of you (in a good way) in a heartbeat. And, she was a smart-alec (which is the only trait that I did not get from her : ) ).
I remember when she'd come visit us and light a cigarette in the house. Daddy would tease her and tell her to put it out (we were and are a non-smoking home) and she'd say, "I brought you in this world and I'll take you out. I'll smoke where I want to smoke". Or, the time that Lee was making fun of my cooking in front of her and she asked me why I just don't use a crock-pot. I told her that I tried, but everything would dry out in it. She rolled her eyes and got up. She went and got the directions from her 1950's crockpot and handed them to me and said, "Here--any idiot can follow directions." All I could say was, "I know, Nanny, I know. I'll try it again."
Also, a little went a long way with Nanny. When we were little, she'd drive down to Clarksdale and stay just long enough for us to take her to Resthaven at lunch for homemade ravioli and then she'd head back home. I married into a family that, when they get together for lunch, it's a 4-hour affair. Now, there is nothing wrong with that and there is so much value to "visiting" before and after meals. But I know the Thompson's can't understand why my side of the family doesn't do that like they do. And, everytime I sense their confusion at my side of the family, I think of Nanny. A little goes a long way with the Bratschi's.
And, then there is our shared hatred of bad weather. We both would head to an interior room or bathroom the minute a tornado warning was around. And, I also remember one Christmas when she refused to go to Christmas lunch/dinner with my uncle/cousins because there was a little ice on the road. As she put it, "They can come see me, but there is no way I am getting on that death trap they are calling a road right now." She knew her limits and was not afraid to just stay in.
I remember calling her to tell her that I was pregnant with my first child. Her first words weren't "oh, how lovely" or "oh, I'm so excited for you". It was "Well, its about time, I was beginning to wonder about ya'll." I loved it---it was so Nanny. It just made me laugh.
So, when it was time to name that first child, I wanted to name the baby after her. Now, Nanny's name was Mauriece. And, she didn't have a middle name. (If you asked, she'd tell you, "Don't you think Mama did bad enough with the first name?. She quit while she was ahead!!") So, we shortened it and changed the spelling to "Reese". I know its not exactly her name---but it was certainly in tribute to her. We weren't going to tell anyone the name, but then Nanny got sick with throat cancer---and it was very advanced. I was too pregnant to make the trip to Memphis to visit her, and because of her throat, she couldn't talk on the phone. So, I wrote her a letter, telling her the name we had chosen and how much I loved and admired her. I sent it with Daddy and Mary Grace when they went to visit her that July 4th weekend. I never imagined that would be my last communication with her. They said she was so proud and it makes me so happy that I could give her a little joy at the end.
I still remember where I was when MG called and told me that her breathing tube had gotten clogged and she had died. I was in Target of all places, pregnant as could be. I rushed to the front, checked out barely, and sobbed all the way home. I'm suprised I made it home. Nanny was just so strong that I never really imagined her ever going. I figured somehow she'd outlive me. And, the thought that I'd never talk to her again, and that she'd never meet Reese was almost unbearable to me.
Let me say this now---I DO NOT BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION. But, from the moment Reese was born, I have seen Nanny in her. Even as an infant, when she'd scream her head off, somehow I saw Nanny in her. And, to this day, she is head-strong, blunt and sarcastic---just like Nanny. As sad as I was that Nanny was gone, somehow having Reese come in the world just 10 days later helped me see the circle of life that was happening. And, it helped me see the importance of passing along the memories and stories of those loved ones that have already gone Home. Hence, me writing this post. So, that Reese and John will have those memories to read one day when they are older.
Finally, I must admit, sometimes when I'm having a particularly hard time with Reese or John, I just imagine Nanny and Memaw up in heaven looking down on me. Memaw saying, "oh, poor Kelly, I wish I could go down and help her." And, Nanny saying, "Are you crazy? Learning this stuff is half the fun. We had our turn, now let's just sit back and watch her figure it out." And, them just having a good ol' laugh at/with me. I doubt that's how Heaven really works---but I kinda like thinking that they are still around cheering me on and, yes, laughing at me. I can't wait to share that laugh with them one day.